


Jar Jar Binks - Origins

by JarJarBinks4ever



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Eventual mpreg, Minor Character Death, Other, mention of slimy amphibian dick, nicolas cage body pillow aka patsy, quite a few oc's but there is a purpose I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 01:17:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9693473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JarJarBinks4ever/pseuds/JarJarBinks4ever
Summary: An alternate backstory to the man we all know and love, Jar Jar Binks, and his tale of hardships, love, and loss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this probably wont be updated that regularly sorry to disappoint @ anyone who actually reads this and might want more

Sometimes people see us as a mistake but we have to believe in ourselves and follow our dreams. My name is Jar Jar Binks and this is my story. 

PROLOGUE

My hardworking but strict father George R. Binks met my mum Mary Melissa Carmen Lopez in high school… In high school both of my parents were very heavily into Bob Marley and smoked a lot of space weed. However, this all changed after The War.

I was born 25/12/2690 or if you’re from America, if it’s still a thing then 12/25/2690 rip america. The day I was born I lost my mother due to the long war that started in 2018 due to Donald Drumf deciding to ‘nuke the poop out of those aliens’. My dad always said I was a beautiful baby, saying I looked like the royal child Baby Grinch. They called me ‘Jarious Jared Binks’ after my late grandfather’s faithful dog, but it was then shortened to Jar Jar Binks, some call me JJ. After I was born, the hospital got attacked, men with guns stormed in setting up bombs throughout the hospital. “SAVE DA CHILDE” screamed Dr. Pepper. My dad picks baby me up and swings me into a fireman's hold, sprinting out of the building as it is blown up by the evil dudes, narrowly escaping getting first degree burns. After escaping, before anyone noticing we’re both alive my dad quickly gets a gungan bongo submarine and travels as far from the hospital as he can. Little did I know at the time, the reason the hospital was attacked and my mother and hundreds of innocents were killed was because they wanted me. My dad looked after me but we didn’t have money so my dad took a job with the big and powerful Strang from the Illuminati, he was ordered to hunt for a Vultaupookea. My dad sacrificed himself every day in order to get me nutritious food, one day out of complete starvation he ate vultaupookea meat, which due to his extreme hunger he got impatient while cooking it and ate it while still raw. Unknown to my dad at the time, eating raw Vultaupookea meat gives you Strabovirus. Strabovirus is an incurable degenerative disease that kills you. And that is how my dad got very sick. LYK IF u CRID EVERTIM 

It wasn’t until recently I found out my dad has Strabovirus, although it does explain why he’s been such an angsty little bitch for as long as I can remember. My first memory of my dad being sick before him mentioning it to me is my primary school graduation, due to having to live on the run from The Evil Dudes I was unable to go to school after the age of 10. I remember walking across the stage and proudly looking for my dad in the crowd, to find him at the back of the room violently coughing, which had drawn the concern of the other parents sitting near him. I jumped off the stage and ran to my dad in time to see him coughing up blood, which he quickly hid and said he just had a bad case of Space Flu. I was young and naive enough to believe him, although sometimes I blame myself for this. If the Evil Dudes didn’t want me then they never would have attacked the hospital, my mum and hundreds of others would be alive and my dad wouldn’t be terminally ill. It’s my fault that all of this happened and I am going to find some way to fix it.

So yeah welcome to my life, now that you know my tragic backstory let's get started on the interesting shit. Today is the day I’m legally an adult, meaning I am 16. Fuk da haterz. Turning 16 is an important milestone in every Gungan’s life. It is a tradition that you find the love of your life on your 16th birthday in Gungan Culture, usually you form an unbreakable bond with the first person outside your family you see on that day. The person usually but not always becomes the love of your life, I am so excited to go outside today and meet the potential love of my life.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jar jar and patsy go on some heartwarming dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry for what you're about to endure

My day started how any other 16th birthday does, my dad woke me up to the typical triangle rendition of Smash Mouth’s smash hit, the 1999 classic All Star, followed by the ceremonial meditative humming for good fortune. For breakfast we had fermented slow-cooked honey caniproot (caniproot is an animal native to this area that is generally very tough and gross tasting, the honey and slow cooking are to make it palatable.) followed by some pure unfiltered milk succ’d straight from the space cow’s nip. After the traditional waking and breakfast ceremony were carried out as close to tradition as we could while on the run, I started to get ready to leave the house to meet my One True Love™. 

As I step outside on this glorious day, I open up twitter and write “HAHA LOL I AM GOING OUTSIDE!!!11!!” As I walk up the road I see a group of weeaboos (those are humans who eat trash) as I look at them I made eye contact with a beautiful being. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS!" screamed the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen. This is it, this is the one. I walk up to them, “ya-hoo,i’m missa missa saw yousa and mesa blown by yousa prettiness.what is yousa name?”. They turned to me, biting their lip “My name is Akpofure Kelly Chimwemwe Karimi but my friends call me Patsy” They were beautiful, those eyes and body I had no words. They looked like that very handsome human actor, Nicholas Cage is that his name? But the body of an ‘aneeme’ girl. As I attempted to ask them on a date I said, “I LIKE YOUR FACE GO LUNCH WITH ME” because I am a relatable man. Patsy laughed, “I’d love to. You’re cute” and that kids is how I met your mother.   
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨  
Today is Date day. I woke up this morning and I was very excited, I only met Patsy yesterday but I am sure they are the one. They thought I was cute!!!   
I got into my dad’s bongo submarine and went off to pick up Patsy. As I knocked on the door, a man opened the door. It was Ryan Reynolds, “Hello son” he said with his beautiful face. Now I see where Patsy’s general perfection comes from. They looked beautiful, wearing the same as yesterday because body pillows don’t wear clothes, except today they had a tiny top hat taped to their heads. I held the door open as they climbed inside the car cause I am a gentleman. We went to Denny’s and she ordered Grand Slam Supreme, I got Hannah’s favourite Hot fudge cake. As we ate she said, “Bone apple tea”. The way the sun shined into their pillowy fabric eyes made me feel butterflies. After that, we went to “THE BOMB A PLANET INTERACTIVE ARCADE” because who doesn’t love blowing up insignificant planets and people. As we blew up a planet called ‘Gallifrey’, they smiled, I looked at them, “kiss me” they said. I was very nervous but they were very attractive so I said “wah” in a sexy voice and went for it. Due to the fact Patsy is a body pillow I did not expect a huge lizard tongue to come out of their printed mouth. If you don’t know, gungan tongue likes mine are long and thin so you can imagine how that kiss went… PERFECTLY. Our tongues are both long and thin so we could freaking feel each other’s tongue in our throats, it was a dream kiss #goals. I didn’t expect to kiss Patsy on our first date, but it was perfect I couldn’t have imagined a better outcome. I’m so glad I connected with Patsy on my 16th birthday.

I drop Patsy off back home after we talked a little more and discovered we had a shared love for crunkcore. I engaged in some small talk about friendly genocide with their dad briefly before leaving to go home, waiting until Patsy’s house is out of view before squealing like a preteen at their first boy band concert.   
DA WAS INCREDIBLE!!” I screamed into the night, overwhelmed with emotion at how well the date went, sure that Patsy was feeling the same. I’m not sure yet but I think Patsy may even be the one, although we will need to go on at least three more dates to know for certain. I get home just after curfew, 3am like any rational person’s curfew would be, my dad is gonna be shitting furious. "wherea has yousa been?my been worri doo-doo sick yousa fourteen minutes past curfew!yousa can has di yousa idiot yousa bombad explain yourself right.now." UGh. I cannot believe him, way to ruin my buzz man. Oh crap, how do I tell my dad about the kiss without him trying to plan a wedding? "patsy and missa french kiss and it was total amaz dad missa wish yousa weesa der" Nailed it. My dad said a few more things about safety and making sure I’m not caught by Evil Dudes while on dates but whatever I don’t even care anyways, all I care about right now is Patsy’s sweet, sweet lizard tongue. Right now all I want to do is get to my room and text Patsy on our Razr’s and talk about the next date because it’s totes gonna happen. "ugh dad whya doin yousa care about missa life so much?its no likein yousa re goin to drop dead any time soon!" There, perfect opportunity to run to my room while my dad is offended I made a vague reference to his disease, I then galloped back to my room. I dramatically flopped onto my bed, pulling out my Razr from my giant ear pocket before sending a text to Patsy ‘missa dad is sucha doo-doo :(‘ I hit send and sign and roll onto my back, careful not to crush my velvety soft ears. I wouldn’t dare hurt them accidentally bc Patsy mentioned my ears as one of their favourite features of mine. Despite my best efforts, the intense energy output required by our enthusiastic kiss earlier has left me fucking tired so I fell asleep before Patsy replied.

Patsy and I were reasonable, agreeing to wait 108 hours before going on another date which is a whole 24 hours longer than tradition calls for, just to show ourselves we aren’t that level of desperate. I have spent the last four and a half days trying to plan the perfect date. My plan for the date is to pick them up and have our favourite band playing to set a relaxed mood, then we are going to get food at an earth themed diner nearby followed by some friendly laser tag, so perhaps I will get the setting for having the lasers cause physical damage turned off. I hope I don’t mess anything up. My nerves didn’t set in until the hour before I had to pick them up, so I did some stress pacing until the time came for me to leave and set the plan in action. I saw Patsy’s dad as I pulled up to their house, just as Patsy was getting in I realised I hadn’t planned out a greeting. “Suh babe” I blurted out, followed by a cheeky wink. Confusion evident on both our faces I just turned the music up and continued driving, hoping I don’t mess this up further. 

We pull into the vehicle holding system of the diver, taking a few pictures and drawing an accurate map so we don’t lose my dad’s bongo submarine. After finding our way to the diner, Patsy and I take some super cute selfies and instagram that shit because we both look hella fly. After getting seated in a booth near the back, we browsed the menu and decided to get some chips and a chocolate milkshake. The waitress gave us that ‘I know what’s up’ look and walked off with our order. She returned with a basket of piping hot chips and the most beautiful milkshake I had ever seen. Honestly, had I seen that milkshake before Patsy they would’ve stood no chance. Patsy and I shared the milkshake, it was like super cute oh my god, we also talked about the pros and cons of professional tiddlywinks. I was drinking the godly milkshake when I see Patsy bat their printed eyelashes in spirit, making a move to lean in and drink the milkshake at the same time as me. Damn, did it get hot in here or is it just all this borderline uncomfortable sexual tension. We were having a moment until they accidentally headbutted me, as much as I love the square edges and shape of their head, this ruined the moment. “I am so sorry this is so embarrassing”, Patsy says, looking down and blushing slightly which should be impossible as they are a body pillow. "isa okeeday it was funny" I managed to get out while holding back laughter.

Time for date two, phase three: laser tag. The place we went to offers a special feature for the games to add a level of competitiveness to it, the feature is that you can make the lasers cause real life damage. In standard laser tag when you’re shot your light up vest turns off for 5 seconds and you unable to shoot others or be shot in this period, rather than this happening when you are shot by the laser you’re temporarily stunned. Thankfully, this feature is optional so I asked the person controlling the games to disable the feature. We get into the first round and Patsy and I are on the same team, we run to the other end of the arena and get ready for the game to start. That’s when I hear it. My guilty pleasure song. I try to contain my pure joy as the song sung by earth icon Fergie plays. Fergalicious blasts through the arena “FERGALICIOUS DEFINITION MAKE THEM BOYS GO LOCO” the velvety tones of Fergie’s god like voice make me want to forget the game and just dance with all the rhythm of a white human mother post childbirth. Patsy seemed to pick up on my change of mood, “JJ, what’s gotten into you?” Shit, gotta think fast how do I respond to this “sorry patsy,its just dis song is missa jam.” I really need to be stopped.

We played the first round and this is when I came to realise how competitive Patsy is, every time they won they would scream “GET REKT YOU JUST GOT PATTIED” followed by a vicious war cry. It is mildly terrifying however I am still glad they’re comfortable enough around me to be themselves, this is only our second date after all. 

It was the last game of our session, we had already been playing for an hour and a half and I was pretty tired out but somehow Patsy was still going strong. Must be that body pillow stamina. We entered the arena and got into position as was now routine and the game started, now is when I realised things had gone wrong. I shot at a memeber of the opposite team and rather than their vest lights going off, they froze, stunned by the laser. It’s too late to change it now so we just have to try our best to avoid getting hit. At one point Patsy took down a large Shnookablop by jumping out and shocking them lasers blasting and somehow managing to actually fall dramatically to the floor in slow motion, which is when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head and see a Kablablesh aiming for Patsy which is when I had a split second to make a decision, and I started running as fast as I could to shield them with my body. “PATSY LOOK OUT!!” I cried, flinging myself forward in front of them with every last gram of force in my body, crotch first, getting shot directly on my amphibian male genitalia. The pain is reminiscent of that time a wippiyeu bit me directly on the nipple. I fell to the floor dick first as Patsy avenged me, shooting down the Kablablesh instantly.

“Jar Jar, are you okay? What bravery. What selflessness.” Patsy whispered into my large floppy ears, breathlessly and doing what I think was batting their printed eyelashes. “Missa did it for yousa.” I choked out, gasping at the sensation of regaining feeling in my slimy amphibian dick. This sensation is not one I’m familiar with but it’s not unpleasant either, I think I’ll have to come back here with Patsy later on in our relationship ;^)).

After the dick shooting incident we decided to call it a night and head back to my dad’s bongo sub and head home. The ride was silent save for Avril Lavigne’s 2002 hit song sk8er boi blasting out of the shitty speakers in my dad’s sub. I wanted to say something to break the tension but i wasn’t sure how to after Patsy totally kicked ass for me, my nether regions still tingling from the Incident™. "thank yousa for tak out thesa guys back der" I muttered, making an attempt at small talk. “It’s nothing compared to the sacrifice you made for me.” Patsy said, turning their full attention towards me, sk8er boi blurring into background noise now. It was the perfect moment, were we going to have an equally perfect second kiss? We were both leaning in but at the last second I remembered I was driving and I whipped my head back to the shitty underwater space motorway just before I crashed into someone. Sadly, the moment had passed. We pulled up to Patsy's house and I gave them one last longing gaze batting my eyelids before driving off and arriving home, unsure how I was going to explain the date to my dad without mentioning The Incident.


End file.
